Are we waiting until we are certain we have a “safe” place to share our true selves? I know in my own experience I test people out and demand a lot of safety before I share things that are painful or shameful for me. But what may be required is risk to discover the places around you truly are safe. The risk is that you cannot control other people’s responses. So we have to decide, would we rather risk or stay in hiding? When faced with that question, we have the opportunity to really grow and learn. If we want to stay in hiding: why? What are we gaining from it? If we want to risk and discover what is true about the relationships we are in, where shall we begin? And if we get hurt? Are we going to let shame take us down further into secrecy and isolation? Or will we chalk it up to risking with the wrong people and try again?
This is not an easy process, nor is it quick. But shame will grow as long as we stay in silence.
Shame isolates. If we are to stop the cycle, we must stop listening to shame long enough to have a different experience. And this will require RISK. You can never fully know if your friend or spouse is safe enough to share things with until you TRY. Now, I am not recommending reckless over sharing with everyone you know. But with those few people in your life that you already consider close to you, it may be the time to take the huge risk in opening up. And you may get hurt in the process. Judgement or rejection may be your friend’s response. And that hurts. Deeply.
I know.
I have been there. I have come out of deep hiding and shared real pain only to be left with confusing abandonment and half-hearted pleasantries. But, even in this experience, shame does not have to win. I have been able to process through this to see that maybe the risk I took was a good one for me, but not for the person I chose to share with. I am able to deny the shame of rejection by realizing that the response I was given was based more upon that person’s own struggles than upon me.
On the other hand, I have also shared deeply and been met with complete acceptance.
No human will respond perfectly, according to our heart’s desire. That is because we are all broken and fallen and sometimes we do not have our friend’s best interest in mind.
But it could be that people do not respond in a way we desire them to because they do not know the desires of our hearts? Are we willing to be vulnerable and ask for what we want and need in our relationships? What would it be like to not only share our deepest hearts but then also tell our friends what we need from them in that moment? Would we be able to accept it from them? Or is it somehow only meaningful to us if it is unasked for? What if our friends truly care and want to give us what we need?
I have been so surprised lately to find that people care about my needs. It isn’t a game to sort through and figure out what is expected of me. There are not always hidden agendas. Some friends really do care and love and desire to be there for me when I need it and in the way I need it. When I have risked asking for help and stating my own needs, I have had the opportunity to have those needs met. And in those moments, I am able to see that I AM NOT ALONE. SHAME DOES NOT WIN when we risk sharing ourselves with friends.
Are we willing to RISK in order to discover safety and acceptance?
