Parenting is hard. It is an "always" sort of job that at some point in the last four years has started to feel like normal life. Caring for little people is now firmly woven into my daily routines. But it is ever changing. Just when i get comfortable in a pattern, the kids' needs change and we need to re-think how we nurture them. The ever changing part of things is exhausting. The past several weeks I have become more aware of the selfishness that is deeply rooted into me.
I read a blog recently about how it is easier to serve the homeless and go on mission trips than it is to speak nicely to your husband and deeply care for your children. This really got me thinking. Serving people for a few hours one day, or even for a few months, is sustainable. It does cost something, yet you are still able to keep a large part of yourself free from exposure and vulnerability. When you live with people, especially people dependent upon you for their every need, it is much harder to hide the deeper facets of your heart.
I can love my kids well and serve them well for a few hours or even a few weeks. I can be lovingly attentive to their needs. I think there are times I am good at it. But then there are seasons of life, like the one I am currently in, where caring for them feels like a cheese grater on my skin. It doesn't come naturally and I have little desire to sacrifice on their behalf. I am not sure if it is related to their new developmental stages or to just my own sheer exhaustion, but lately, parenting has felt at odds with my own desires. My commitment to my own plans has caused me to look past my kids more than once. And it has shocked me.
It has been upsetting. I am saddened to see my own sin. It has exposed my own need of something greater than myself and that in and of itself can be frustrating, especially in a world that glorifies self-sufficiency. Seeing my own brokenness can, at times, be depressing. In some ways, the depressing feelings are holy, because my heart should break over my sin. At other times, the depression is rooted in a desire to be my own god; to attain perfection and independence that is outside the scope of what is good for me.
My sin, as awful as it is to look at in the face, draws me closer to my Savior. It is exposes the truth. Even though the vulnerability is scary, Christ provides me more than enough when I press through my fears and embrace the Gospel truth: I will never be good enough. And that is okay. Christ was and is good enough for me.
For me, parenting is the route that God uses to expose my great need of Him. It is hard. But it is good.
"Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough for me!!"
