Parenting Imperfectly

Parenting is hard.  It is an "always" sort of job that at some point in the last four years has started to feel like normal life.  Caring for little people is now firmly woven into my daily routines.  But it is ever changing.  Just when i get comfortable in a pattern, the kids' needs change and we need to re-think how we nurture them.  The ever changing part of things is exhausting.  The past several weeks I have become more aware of the selfishness that is deeply rooted into me.

I read a blog recently about how it is easier to serve the homeless and go on mission trips than it is to speak nicely to your husband and deeply care for your children.  This really got me thinking.  Serving people for a few hours one day, or even for a few months, is sustainable.  It does cost something, yet you are still able to keep a large part of yourself free from exposure and vulnerability.  When you live with people, especially people dependent upon you for their every need, it is much harder to hide the deeper facets of your heart.

I can love my kids well and serve them well for a few hours or even a few weeks.  I can be lovingly attentive to their needs.  I think there are times I am good at it.  But then there are seasons of life, like the one I am currently in, where caring for them feels like a cheese grater on my skin. It doesn't come naturally and I have little desire to sacrifice on their behalf.  I am not sure if it is related to their new developmental stages or to just my own sheer exhaustion, but lately, parenting has felt at odds with my own desires.  My commitment to my own plans has caused me to look past my kids more than once. And it has shocked me.

It has been upsetting.  I am saddened to see my own sin.  It has exposed my own need of something greater than myself and that in and of itself can be frustrating, especially in a world that glorifies self-sufficiency.  Seeing my own brokenness can, at times, be depressing.  In some ways, the depressing feelings are holy, because my heart should break over my sin.  At other times, the depression is rooted in a desire to be my own god; to attain perfection and independence that is outside the scope of what is good for me.

My sin, as awful as it is to look at in the face, draws me closer to my Savior.  It is exposes the truth. Even though the vulnerability is scary, Christ provides me more than enough when I press through my fears and embrace the Gospel truth:  I will never be good enough. And that is okay.  Christ was and is good enough for me.

For me, parenting is the route that God uses to expose my great need of Him.  It is hard. But it is good.

"Your grace is enough! Your grace is enough!  Your grace is enough for me!!"

Dream Dancer

"Step then
from the staid and somber line.
Move out in dancing
into dreams so daring;
without them you will settle for the road
that wanders by and winds to nowhere."
 --Dream Dancer

Risk

Are we waiting until we are certain we have a “safe” place to share our true selves?  I know in my own experience I test people out and demand a lot of safety before I share things that are painful or shameful for me.  But what may be required is risk to discover the places around you truly are safe.  The risk is that you cannot control other people’s responses.  So we have to decide, would we rather risk or stay in hiding?  When faced with that question, we have the opportunity to really grow and learn.  If we want to stay in hiding: why?  What are we gaining from it?  If we want to risk and discover what is true about the relationships we are in, where shall we begin?  And if we get hurt?  Are we going to let shame take us down further into secrecy and isolation?  Or will we chalk it up to risking with the wrong people and try again?  

This is not an easy process, nor is it quick.  But shame will grow as long as we stay in silence.  

Shame isolates.  If we are to stop the cycle, we must stop listening to shame long enough to have a different experience.  And this will require RISK.  You can never fully know if your friend or spouse is safe enough to share things with until you TRY.  Now, I am not recommending reckless over sharing with everyone you know.  But with those few people in your life that you already consider close to you, it may be the time to take the huge risk in opening up.  And you may get hurt in the process.  Judgement or rejection may be your friend’s response.  And that hurts. Deeply.

I know.

I have been there.  I have come out of deep hiding and shared real pain only to be left with confusing abandonment and half-hearted pleasantries.  But, even in this experience, shame does not have to win.  I have been able to process through this to see that maybe the risk I took was a good one for me, but not for the person I chose to share with.  I am able to deny the shame of rejection by realizing that the response I was given was based more upon that person’s own struggles than upon me.

On the other hand, I have also shared deeply and been met with complete acceptance.  

No human will respond perfectly, according to our heart’s desire.  That is because we are all broken and fallen and sometimes we do not have our friend’s best interest in mind.  

But it could be that people do not respond in a way we desire them to because they do not know the desires of our hearts?  Are we willing to be vulnerable and ask for what we want and need in our relationships?  What would it be like to not only share our deepest hearts but then also tell our friends what we need from them in that moment?  Would we be able to accept it from them?  Or is it somehow only meaningful to us if it is unasked for?  What if our friends truly care and want to give us what we need? 

I have been so surprised lately to find that people care about my needs.  It isn’t a game to sort through and figure out what is expected of me.  There are not always hidden agendas.  Some friends really do care and love and desire to be there for me when I need it and in the way I need it.  When I have risked asking for help and stating my own needs, I have had the opportunity to have those needs met.  And in those moments, I am able to see that I AM NOT ALONE.  SHAME DOES NOT WIN when we risk sharing ourselves with friends. 

Are we willing to RISK in order to discover safety and acceptance?