What's that you say?

I often find myself desiring more out of life.  Longing to eat better, work out more, study harder for my upcoming state exam, play with my kids more intentionally, keep the house clean, maintain deep friendships, decorate my room so that I actually want to be in there, become active in our church, be an excellent employee, balance my checkbook, pursue my husband and love him well, pray and dream about our future employment, cook dinner for the family, prepare my 4-year-old well for preschool, and the list goes on.

And I feel pressure to accomplish each of these things RIGHT NOW as in yesterday.  Yeah, my mind can be a scary place to be sometimes.

All of these thoughts flood my mind and seem to drive me to work harder, do more, be better, and achieve.  And this is not a new struggle, this is something that is common in my day-to-day life. Most of my desires are not wrong in and of themselves.  But when I get going on this jet plane, what is my true motivation?  Often, that is where the error comes into clear focus.

Lately, my experience has been very different.  And it has confused me, worried me, and left me wondering when is the right time to seek medical help.  Lately, my mind is full of ideas until it is time to act on them.  I feel pulled in 18 different directions (which, let's be honest, what mom isn't) and yet lack the motivation to do any of them.  As this wave of numbness has washed over me, I have struggled to find the desire to fight against it and I have found myself succumb to the strong pull of indifference.  For a while, I thought I was doing "better" because I wasn't being governed by my perfectionistic routine (which I have still yet to perfect).  I was excited that I was able to rest and let some things go.  And those were good things.  But what came next was different.  It wasn't simply "resting" it was bleak, blah, boring, dullness that crept in and wooed my heart.

It has taken me a lot of serious thinking and body awareness to come to realize what I was experiencing.  Finally, a word came to mind.  And it isn't pretty.

Apathy.  Apathy?  How could I be struggling with apathy?  So I read a little about apathy.  Including this quote:

Mark 14:38-41 ESV 

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. And again he (Jesus) went away and prayed, saying the same words. And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were very heavy, and they did not know what to answer him. And he came the third time and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? It is enough; the hour has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners."

Apathy.  Jesus asked the disciples to keep watch while he prayed and what did they do?  They slept.  So much for being a good friend in his time of need!!

This got me thinking.... what in the world is my apathy protecting me from?  Why am I choosing apathy over real, soul satisfying relationships?  How is my numbness keeping me from my fears?

And then I realized, once I got through my pride, that I am still fighting the same fight.  Desiring to appear perfect, together, in control, and not needy.  Only now, instead of doing anything about it, I have numbed out.  The battle still rages, yet I tune it out by simply 'exiting the rodeo' as you may say.

Except that you can't actually exit life.  My lack of concern and feigning disinterest isn't stopping reality from taking place.  Apathy isn't solving my perfectionism, it is another aspect of it.

Ugh, that is not the answer I wanted.

The best way I know of to escape apathy is to recognize BOTH what my apathy is protecting me from (my fear), AND what is causing me to miss out on (experiencing life).  I think the combination of those two answers will leave me with more than enough to chew on, if only I can find the motivation to do so.